Hey there!

It’s been a loooong minute since I’ve really settled in to write. I think writing will forever follow me through life. It’s just how I express my inner thoughts that never seem to fully make it into conversation in our busy world. Which leads me to ask… why? We are so busy going about life that we often miss those moments that truly matter.

I’m not the best at saying what’s on my mind simply because people really don’t care to listen. That’s just the truth. They would rather do the talking. I don’t like to give opinions unless they are asked for so I happily let the conversations roll past me. Not because I don’t have things to say but I’d rather save my words for true connection.

I’m always looking for connection in conversation. I like to know that thoughts and ideas have made their way from one mind to another and understanding is gained. It’s almost like a small victory to me when people come to perfect understanding.

Isn’t it funny how our different ways of saying what we feel/ think can nearly separate us from one another? I’ve learned that the best way to engage is to ask questions. Nobody can resist talking about what truly fuels their fire. It’s almost as a person becomes more alive when speaking of things they are passionate about. And if they are a good conversationalist they might return the favor. If not, you could always blog 😁

Monday Love

I know so many people hate Mondays because that is the beginning of a new work week. I am fortunate to have my Monday’s nearly unscheduled ( I do work a one hour shift but what is 60 minutes?). And so Monday becomes my day for tidying, planning, relaxing and readying for the week ahead.

Monday is my clean day. Monday is my reset day. Monday is my let go of last week and restart day. Monday is my live what you learned on Sunday day. I love Monday’s!

Today my girls are home with me and we are doing homework, studying and cleaning the house. These small tasks bring me so much comfort and even joy. What? Cleaning and joy in the same breath? I know, it’s maybe not what you usually hear but after my bout of decluttering it’s so very easy to keep things clean and tidy. It’s easy enough that my girls and I can complete the whole house in about 2 hours or less ( I’ll have to time it but I’m pretty sure it was an hour- it only took a bit longer today because sisters had some ‘tude and big sis decided to do some yard work to cool off)

I love the brightness and the clean air in my home after a cleanup. I love empty trash cans. I love laundry sorted and folded. I love clean sheets. I love seeing my clothes hung up and orderly. It brings me a bit of calm and control.

Things have been shifting lately and it has left me wondering where I am in it all. Of course I am physically right where I need to be but in the sense of who I am, what I do and what lies ahead I am needing to rely solely on God. My controlled little home is tidy and ordered. I am thankful for that but in the larger picture I will just have to lean in and trust that He still has a plan for me. He has an order for my life. He has a plan to follow. *I don’t want to miss it*

– Veronica

An Unstuffed Christmas

I have long been opposed to the sheer audacity of Christmas merchandising. Jumping into stores even before Halloween candy has cleared the shelves, Christmas is commerce on steroids. Without a doubt the hype and sales are turbo charged and all geared at finding the perfect “thing” that will make you ( or a loved one) feel special. But at what cost? And what if you totally fail and they hate the gift you bought? What then? What a let down. And in my experience it’s not the things that matter, it’s the time spent and the words spoken that connect us.

I believe in family and traditions and making time for those you love during the holidays. I do not believe in more useless crap filling up corners of my house in the months to come. This year I’m giving each of my kids $100 and calling it done. Except for the one who wants a cello, she got that instead. Oh, and I’ll buy a snack crate subscription so we can all have fun with that throughout the year. But I’m not doing this over the top expensive stuff. I refuse. I’m not a grinch but I just don’t think you need a ton of gifts to show your love. And I do believe in giving all year round so holding everything back until that one special day just isn’t practical, helpful or realistic.

I even stepped back in decorating this year. My 10 year old did most of it for me. I did do my mantle and letter board and put some bells on the door but this is the most scaled down my holiday home has been in a looong time! And it feels so nice! I usually love hauling out our boxes of treasured decorations and setting them out but at the same time I love having space in my little home. If put everything out it would be pretty squishy up in here! So I trimmed it back and I am so very pleased with the result!

If you are an over the top tinsel toes and can’t wait to get your elf on the shelf you go ahead and rock it! But as for me and my house we will be breathing a little more peace and a little less stuff into our holiday😊

This poem was a gift from my son’s Christmas work party. I put out so few decorations but this one was just perfect so it stayed ❤️

My mantle with a new letter board message, a few bottle brush trees and a lighted snowflake. Pretty simple and I love it! The frame, mirror, wood round and letter board live here year round so not much was added for the holidays.

The nativity, of course ☺️ here it’s perched on my old treadle singer sewing machine in the entry.

This is my one exception to “over gifting”. I like to do a countdown/ advent for my kids each day in December so I drop a little something in their mailbox each day. Nothing big but just a token – it’s tradition and it’s fun but I keep it very inexpensive. One day may be a note or candy bar or a joke. The fun is in the surprise 😀

The bells that are standing in place of a wreath. These were also a gift from my son’s work party and they add a fun jingle when you go in or out.

The Christmas village painted by my husbands grandmother. This goes out every year, it’s a must!

Wishing you a beautiful holiday season❤️

Enjoy your time with those you love

Peace and Purpose

Do you ever find yourself catching glimpses into other peoples lives and thinking “Wow, I should be doing something like that.” Or are you ever faced with a task that seems so mundane and so repetitive that you think man I really should be living a more adventurous or fulfilling life. Or maybe you just feel like when you are doing one thing there are a million so much more important things in this world that you should be doing at that very moment.

I am so that way. I always feel like I should be doing everything all at once and it should all be super important and very official and so on and so forth. But to be honest with you I’ve never had any huge life goals or ambitions. I don’t mean that I’m lazy or an underachiever. I was a highly involved individual in high school with good grades and I entered so many clubs as well as held positions in those clubs. As an adult I have been highly involved in many activities and a leader in some of those as well. But when it comes down to a real life job all I ever really wanted to do was help people.

I remember in grade school doing an assignment that required us to write down what we wanted to be when we grow up. I think we’ve all had at least a dozen of those assignments. I remember distinctly being very worried and concerned that there was something wrong with me. Because I did not want to be a movie star or an artist or a ballet dancer. I wanted to help people. That’s it.

When I look around at others who are very successful it’s hard not to feel the pang of jealousy. I could have done so many things, yet I did not. I know that God has put them on this earth to do the job that they have before them and that’s awesome. I am happy for them. And I want them to succeed in a huge way. But that was never for me.

In high school friend of mine and I went to a model and talent search in Seattle Washington. Her mother drove us and we were all high excitement and adventure. Talent search! We were on our way to fame and fortune. So we enter the building and each took our respective tests and waited for our hidden talents to be discovered. I was entering the model competition. And my friend was wanting to do the commercial portion. Ironically, we both got call backs but in the opposite categories! She was called back for the model search and I was called back to do another commercial.

We opted out of the call back because we were both pretty pooped by then and it was a long day. It would’ve been fun to see what had come of it but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t something that I really wanted to pursue. I did not want to be on TV or to be famous. I didn’t want to waste my time chasing a dream that may not become a reality and that wouldn’t satisfy me anyways.

Now as an adult I can see my kids growing and getting ready to move out and start their own lives. I wonder if being a mother and being a wife and giving all of that energy to others has been wasted. But when I look at my kids and my husband I think how could I have chosen to miss this?

I’m in a transition right now with life in general. Things have definitely changed in the last few years for me. I’m no longer an all day every day turbo charged woman. I am decidedly slower and much less energetic. It’s not my favorite. I miss being a doer. But I am embracing what I can and cannot do.

My son is entering adulthood and now I’m having to help him figure out adult things. It’s not always easy. But my kids know that I put them first and that I love them so very much and would help them in anyway that I can. To have them come to me with their problems and know that they can trust me to support them and to guide them to the best of my ability is priceless.

Beyond that I’m just really thankful that God has given me an opportunity to be available to just be a friend to so many people that need a friend. I am not perfect. I am not super smart. I am not super talented. But I am one super awesome friend!

And you know what being a friend means? It means helping people. I help people in little ways. I watch their babies, I make them dinner, I hold their hand and I listen to them cry on the phone. I’m not moving mountains. I’m not doing great things but I was made for a purpose and that is to be a help.

I did a lot of life on my own and sometimes if I overthink it bitterness can creep in. But I realized that in order to fulfill my purpose in life I would need to be the person that I wish I had. It’s amazing what peacefulness I have found in this simple revelation.

Wishing you all the good things❤️

-Veronica

Are You There Self?

Internal locus of control or external locus of control… that is the question. (a.k.a. are you motivated by outside influences or your own drive) I once wrote a college paper on this subject and was completely anxiety riddled at the amount of research and the new (to me) format that I was required to learn in a very short time frame. I had written only a couple of 10 page papers in high school that were always essay style. My first college paper was a 15 pager in APA format that I had never encountered before. It was a hurdle to be sure. I did piles of research and yes, my outline was 100% essay but when I sat down to actually write I cranked it out in 2 days more or less ( in between other classes). I have never been more proud of an A before. And I still wonder how much I actually understood what I wrote. 🙄

Today the question still pops up in my mind. What motivates me? What is driving the machine that is me? Do I allow whatever others think to cause me to act? Am I operating in my own best interest? And the greater question still, am I living in a way that is motivated by a love for God?

I am by nature curious and introspective. I want to live my best life – all the way. So, I am always thinking about my current methods and what does and doesn’t work to achieve that. Recently I went through a very dark time. I wouldn’t say I was depressed but I had certainly been leaning that way. My body was sapped. I had allowed my lack of personal boundaries and self care to deteriorate me to the point that I was in a horrible state of mind mentally and constantly fatigued. I felt like I was living only to fill others needs. I slept a LOT. As in, if it wasn’t necessary I did not leave my bed. I still loved my family and helping others but my body quit giving and I was flat out tired of other people’s needs ALWAYS being first. To make matters worse, I often found out that those who alway seemed to need something could have very easily completed the task without me. I needed to find my value. I needed to care about me.

Selfish? No, I just needed myself. Everyone else had gotten my help but there was precious little coming back my direction. Something had to change.

And so I did the unthinkable. I quit giving. I stopped being available. I said no. Did I like it? No, it killed me to turn people down. I wanted to go to every birthday and donate at every fundraiser and volunteer at every function. But I began to set limits. Right away my family balked. How dare I not take them here, or fetch this or make that! What a horrible person I was for allowing them to suffer natural consequences as a result of their own thoughtlessness! How selfish of me to make room for my needs in the family budget!

And the horror continued….I stepped back at work, I requested help for seemingly simple things, I relaxed, I rested, I began to heal. I got a lot of questioning glances and a few persistent requests until I finally just said I’m not available all year. I had hung the do not disturb sign over my face and I began the task of rebuilding my health and sanity. And you know what? Everyone survived without me.

My husband is the opposite of me in so many ways. But we both are driven from the inside. His motor runs quite a bit slower than mine but when we are focused on what is important to us it WILL be accomplished. I love that we are both doers. But I had to reestablish my boundary lines even in our marriage. I had to be more careful with myself. In every relationship I drew lines. Some just got the axe all together. I’m not investing where there are no returns. Sorry, it’s nothing personal, I just don’t have the physical energy or the head space for it. After the hormonal tornado that I’ve been through I can see how people can “snap”. Good people, under too much pressure. Too many outside ideas and needs pushing out the person inside.

Recently I had an opportunity to test how firm my boundaries were. I was dumped into a situation and called the offender out. A highly volatile offender to boot. Did I bend? No, I didn’t. I was actually kind of proud of myself. I stood up for me. I valued my time and my rest. I was not going to be forced into doing another person’s duty simply because they wanted me to. Nope, not anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to help. I want to be a part and give all I can-just not to the detriment of my own well being. If you are a born people pleaser then it might be time to re-evaluate. Sooner rather than later. I can tell you from experience it’s not pretty when you omit self care for too long. I hope this helps someone.

Questions for self evaluation:

What is important to you?

What do you value?

Who/what gives back in your life?

How can you invest in yourself a little each day?

What are your limits?

Love,

Veronica

*disclaimer*

If you know me personally – don’t take this personally!❤️

If you know me well, I think you’ll see it for what it is❤️

Fair?

This week is fair week. That might mean nothing to many people. But for us that means we are hauling our selves and our goats ( along with all necessary food and gear) to the local fair grounds so our animals and kids can show their stuff. It’s fun, dirty, hot and exasperating all in the same dry and windy breath.

As a show mom it is my primary responsibility to have all kids ( human and animal) fully prepared to do their best. Well, surgery kinda laid me out this year so I was a little weak on the giddy up. No matter, here we are – we made it! We stuck it out and are ready to compete. Saturday will be the auction and it can’t get here fast enough for this mama!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the very essence of animal husbandry and 4H has my whole heart. But, … let’s be real- it has me wanting to kick all my kids out and hide myself in a dark closet where no one can find me. Except maybe the Schwann’s man…and only if he’s delivering those silver dollar bars.

Let me introduce you to the cast of characters for fair 2019 starting with the 4 legged kids:

*Spike* if you could imagine a laid back Cali cool surfer dude in the form of a goat that would be Spike. He loves everybody man! He’s chillax to the max and loves hugs. He’s my favorite and I don’t mind admitting it. My only regret is that market animals have a short life span. Sorry dude, you will be missed!

*Fighty* Mike Tyson who? Fighty has entered the ring! Got food? He’ll fight you for it! Got hay? He’ll fight you for that too! Opening the gate? You guessed it! He’ll fight to be first out….unless, of course he doesn’t want to go out and then he will fight you to stay in. The winner for most consternating attitude goes to Fighty! Yup, everyone is a winner here! 😝 Good thing you’re cute kid!

*Skidder* This is the first time I have encountered a goat with anxiety. Skidder prefers to be restrained in a stall. The more secure the better. In fact, he will voluntarily jump on the grooming stand to be strapped down. It’s the only time he stops hyperventilating….drama much? Oh Skidder…. He also got his name from his habit of falling flat on the ground when you walk him and then going completely bezerk when you try to lift him back up. Skidder won’t be missed😏

Now for the 2 legged kids-

*Boy child of 16 years* Headstrong and physically strong this young male specimen is showing signs of independence and a distinct parting of ways from the matriarchal system. (Read: won’t listen to his mother) in all fairness he is maturing and growing daily. We have had many talks …. a few lectures…. and have learned a lot about each other this year. I’m taking the win here and leaving the goats totally out of the equation. Boom, #winning

*Girl child of 14 years* This lady is observant and able to get by nearly on her own. She sees what goes on and learns from others without much instruction. Which is good because she is also teening out on me at times and not always so receptive to mother’s suggestions *ahem!* I’m pretty proud of her and all that she is learning. Again, win.

*Girl child of 10 years* Um…..well, this one is a first year 4Her and acts like she’s got this thing. She was giving the big kids tips and reminders. I had to remind her that she had never done this before. Didn’t faze her. She is a cocky little bugger. My greatest task with her will be to point her in the right direction and keep the reins in hand.🙄 For her performance really isn’t a concern. Life is her party and she gets freebies from all the booths and candy galore. She’s thrilled. Win.

The problem is….. I am highly competitive. And a perfectionist (albeit I have been somewhat reformed). And I came into this deal with zero experience. Like, I had a cat for a few months once when I was a kid. So, all in all the deck was entire stacked against me. Add to that an antsy teenage son who spends a lot of time out of the house on odd jobs, a major surgery (mine), and 2 out of 3 animals that were impossible even on their good days. 🙄 And have I mentioned that I live in a small town and I know my friends kids are also our competition. It’s tough to smile at your friends successes when your pride is wounded. But we do because we are beyond proud of “our” kids. In this community we consider those who live here our own. And my children honestly don’t care. They see their gains and are content. They humble me and teach me each year that the goal is growth. Gosh, I’m a blessed lady!

So, while I maybe going prematurely gray and legally insane, we are growing, learning and making gains with each new project and venture.

So if you asked me:

Is it hard? Yes.

Does it make me want to run away and hide? Yes.

Is it worth it? YES

Put your kids in 4H folks! You won’t regret it! (Mostly)

 

Oh, the Irony

I have been spending some time “yardening” as I call it. My garden (vegetable) has yet to become this season and so my efforts have been purely of an aesthetic nature. Weed, fertilize, plant, prune and water. As I putter around and fuss with the sprinkler I can’t help but giggle at myself. I’m basically trying to control nature on my plot of dirt. This sectioned off piece of land that I call my property, which was someone else’s before me, is being sprayed and mulched and molded to my liking. But you know what? Every time I think I have all the weeds eradicated those filthy buggers pop right up again. I can’t help but smile ( a little) at the sheer tenacity and the force of nature. Adam’s curse come to life, right here in my front yard.

I think of creation and how we are formed. We are not the creator, we are the creature. And in our frailty we are still curators and cultivators. If I let my yard go it would run rampant in no time. And so I pluck away at the never ceasing weeds. Here we live and tend to our little things as if we have control. Who am I to tell this plant that it is unwanted? Who am I to force this one to grow? And yet we do just that. Irony at its best.

If you have never grown a garden you really should. It may not be a success but you will learn a lot! One thing I have learned, and there are many more besides, is that you are never in control. Ever. Not even a little bit. Crazy, right? Another crazy thing I’ve learned is that it’s ok and actually preferred to release all pretense of control. The less we hold tightly to in this life the more we are free to live. Forcing a flower to bloom when you want it to isn’t going to happen but with some care and attention that flower will blossom in it’s season and be the gem of the garden.

There is a wonderful message titled “Let it Unfold” that gets me every time I listen to it. Every time one of my roses bloom it is a reminder to keep tending my garden but to remember who really opens the blossoms.

What’s On Your Mind?

Wow! It has been a while since my last post. I have been busy doing stuff and busy doing nothing in the last few weeks. By nothing I mean gardening, napping, reading and generally enjoying my summer break.

There is something that has been weighing on me lately. I’m not sure what others think of me and frankly it’s none of my business but I often wonder what would happen if I actually spoke all the things that come to mind (within reason). So many times there is a flittering spark of a thought that dances through my mind and in a moments hesitation it is gone. I once read that if a thought is not “married” with an action within 30 seconds the thought will not be acted upon at all. Wow, 30 seconds is all it takes to kill an action that just very well may change the course of your life. The impact of that is huge.

I’m by nature a cautious creature. Wary and hesitant. But I also want to live a full life and reach my utmost potential. I want to leave this world happy and secure of my final destination and knowing that somewhere along the way I made a difference in someone else’s life. And so I am at odds with myself most of the time.

In the midst of this I know God is working on me. His voice is ever calling me to be just a bit braver and step one more foot forward. How lovely it is to walk with Him. I cannot be who I am destined to be unless I trust in my maker and His plan.

How small we really are when we think of the vast universe. I recently took a trip and while driving home the rolling hills were criss crossed with roads. The cars motoring along reminded me so much of ants crawling over an ant hill that it made me giggle. Is this how God sees us as He peers down from above?

And yet I know that we are so precious to Him. He loves and cares for us. He watches and guides us. He heals, changes and helps us. I’m ready to see what He has in store next.

Whatever your journey entails I urge you to do the things, live a big life and give it your all❤️ I’ll be over here cheering you on as I endeavor to do the same!

A camellia I picked at my grandparents house shortly after their passing. This flower will always remind me of time spent at their home.

Personal Evolution

First, I must show you this beautiful painting that I bought at the local thrift store. I really never buy paintings because it seems like you never really know if it’s actual art or possibly just somebody’s Saturday amusement. However, I saw this painting and it just fit. I live on a farm surrounded by mountains and I am in love with the soft colors and the beautiful scenery.

When deciding colors for my kitchen office and living room I was incomplete puzzlement. I simply could not decide and my brain did not see colors.  I had been so good at this before but my frazzled color chooser had a short in it.  Prior to a couple years ago color had been my thing. I love color and the brighter the better.  Case in point, my previous kitchen was egg yolk yellow, my bedroom purple and my living room teal. It. Was. Colorful. But in this painting I learned something of myself. I learned that I had changed. I was now seeking the serenity and the calming effect that simple palettes and soothing colors had on me and my home and my family. In other words, I was growing up and I wanted  more peaceful and calm surroundings. I could tackle whatever things that lay ahead for my day knowing that I would come home and what I would find there would be soothing.

This came somewhat as a shock to me. I thought I knew myself better. But apparently as we age we become new people. It is also been found that the human brain doesn’t fully grow up or make connections that are relevant to good choices until about the age of 30. Let’s just say I am a few years after that but not much. It’s been interesting to me to see how other things have changed in my life.

Can you smell me now?

This for example is something new. It is my favorite perfume in all the world. ( Dolce & Gabanna I’m ready for my sponsorship now.)  Never in all my born days would I ever consider buying a luxury item such as a designer perfume. But I have discovered that I like to smell pretty. And in order to smell pretty I do not mind spending a little bit more if I know it is a quality item that I will every day.  And I bought it at Marshals at half price… so, yeah.

Same for the cut flowers I don’t get them very often but every now and then I do like to have a splash of color. That extra bit of nature that brings life into your space. And they’re so pretty. I used to think it was so selfish and frivolous to buy them.  Now I’m ok with it. It’s fine. It makes me happy.

I guess I should’ve known that my likes and tastes had taken a turn when I simply could not throw this rug out. For whatever reason I kept it and I did not even know why.  It was an inexpensive find and was totally replaceable. But I held onto it and as I look around I see that I have used the soft colors again and again throughout my home. I think it’s safe to say the bright and bold colors that I still love so dearly are not going to be finding their way onto my walls anymore. I’ve grown up just a little bit And now I’m seeking calm and comfort and simplicity. And I invited a friend over for dinner so I could borrow her color eyes and now I have a color plan for my downstairs.  *happy sigh*

I cannot wait to finish all of the painting on the lower floor and post pictures of its transformation. You will be sure to find a soothing color scheme throughout my house when I am done. I guess growing up isn’t so bad after all.

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Personality

I’ve been practicing for the Easter drama most evenings. It’s been fun but also trying. We have seen the best and worst in each other as we log the hours. I’ve made a few observations along the way as well.

One thing I should mention is that our play is put on by church members. As many church bodies are we are a community within a community. A micro culture if you will. We see each other a lot as it is. Three services a week and a private school four days a week keep us in close contact. Many members are related and/or live very near to each other as well. And we live in a small city that has no strangers. Everybody knows everybody here. Add to that four two hour practices a week and I think you can safely say we are ” all up in each other’s business “.

First, I do believe we are blessed with the best. I know it’s corny and canned but I do actually believe it. We have some crazy talented people at our church. We also have a lot of regulars that just kinda want to be done already (me).

To begin with, we have struggled through practices to say the least. Some songs were new and some went unlearned and we just weren’t jiving. But I am pleased to say that through these moments I have a better appreciation for my fellow church members. We have made it to the end. We have stuck it out. We have had disagreements and frustrations and still treated one another civilly. We have joked and laughed and rolled our eyes in unison…. repeatedly. We are a team.

I have discovered a few personalities that stuck out as well-

The everyday Joe: These cast members are logging the hours, trying to not mess up and goofing around behind the curtain on off scenes. I would say about 75% of our cast are Joes.

The hot head: They are belligerent when something isn’t right with their scene and get hot pretty quick. They also like to point out what other people are doing wrong. (they are not directors)

The “Over it” : They are just fed up. They missed their nap. They are hangry and want to go home. Probably about 15% on this one….

The exhausted sideline coach: They are tired of prodding others to participate. They also want to go home but cannot. We need them.

The want-to-be sideline coach: They just showed up. They will jump in and they are there for you. They will change absolutely everything at the last second but they will get you lined out wether you need it or not.

The cautiously optimistic: Those still are hoping for the best and inviting everyone in town hoping the peer pressure will bring out the best in everyone (me).

There is one lurking non member that always seems to crop up as well. The one that waits for disaster to strike. The understudy. The one that just might put exlax in your coffee if it would better their chances.

Well, that about sums up my experience in this years Easter drama. When they said drama, they weren’t kidding! It would really help if someone had specified which side of the curtain the drama would be on though…

To my fellow cast members:

You are awesome! I love you all and if you read this understand the spirit in which it was written and take it with a grain of salt😉

Break a leg!

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